Have *you* ever been to Computer Hell?
Well, if I ever had any doubts that there was one,
I'm fully cured of that belief now.
Why? Because I've actually *been* there. For the
last two weeks. And I'm not sure that I've found
the elevator up yet either. I realize, the universe
is against me.
In this age, where we've all come to rely on our
computers for communication, daily tasks such as
keeping our books, looking up that random piece of
essential information on the Internet, or getting
the New York Times headlines delivered via email,
a crash, bug or malfunction can turn into a serious
disturbance of daily life. I know mine was definitely
disturbed.
February 6: It all started when I bought a Nikon
LS-2000 slide scanner off eBay. It sounded soooo
easy. Plug the thing in, install a driver, and
off I go.
Not.
February 7: My hopes of being able to scan my slide collection
were quickly squashed when I discovered that not
only did I not get the original CD with the scanner
drivers from the seller, but the essential SCSI
card for hookup to my Compaq was missing too.
February 8: So I rush out and buy a Adapted 2906 SCSI card.
Install it, download the Win2k driver from the
Adaptec web site (because of course they failed
to include updated software with their product -
what an effort that would be ...), and plug in the
scanner. Then download the NikonScan software off
the Nikon site - but mind you, their web design
isn't advanced enough to allow Netscape users to
view their site. Only IE works. Makes you really
put your trust into their products, doesn't it?
Nikon also advises you to have a certain version
of firmware on your scanner, so as not to blow up
the thing when installing the updated NikonScan
software. Gee, how do you find out what firmware
is on the thing, when you can't even install the
hardware due to lack of a proper driver?
"Tough luck", figures Nikon. "Go ahead, blow it up.
You'll just have to go out and buy a new one then,
I guess...."
So I call their tech support. I'm on hold for 45
minutes without a soul answering, but every couple
of minutes a robot voice reminds me, that "all
customer service representatives are busy now, please
stay on the line". Yeah, right. They've probably
all been laid off in the last 6 months.
So I take the plunge, install the NikonScan software
anyway - and miraciously, the scanner works. For
about five days.
February 12: Then, one sunny afternoon, I fire up my Win2k box.
I never even get to the logon prompt anymore. The
box just continuously reboots. Never mind that I have
a freelance copyediting assignment that I need to
get done by Thursday noon. Great. Now what?
February 13: I bless my obnoxious habit of refusing to give
or throw away still-working computer parts, and
spend a day firing up my old decrepit Win95 machine,
to at least be able to use email, the net and Word.
Research about the above problem on the Microsoft
support site yields, like, 5 very different half-ass solutions. I try a few, opening up the box to
explore the innards, reseting cards and checking
connections. Nada. It stubbornly reboots. I sense
this is somehow beyond my abilities, and run
screaming to my nerd friends for help.
February 15: I take the box over to a friend's
house. We disable some drivers, then get a blue
screen, telling us that the Master Boot Record is
damaged. Ok, so let's repair that. But while the
computer in command prompt recognizes that there
*is* an OS on the HD, the Repair Console plays
ignorant. It knows of nothing - in the very least
that there is an OS. Sigh. Fine - fresh install then.
We create a new version of Win2k on the HD, and
upon boot, all my precious files and data are
indeed still there. I feel blessed. And adventurously,
I decide to upgrade to Windows XP. What the hell.
I can't get any worse than it has already been,
right?
"Oh, yeah?" says the universe, slumps back in the
bean bag, and mischievously grinning pours itself
another vodka tonic.
February 18: After a well-deserved break, I
cautiously approach my computer again, whispering
sweet words full of comfort before pushing that
power button. XP boots fine though, and I go to work putting
all my settings back to the way I like them
(meaning getting rid of that awful bubble-gum-happy interface). To back up all my data, I need
the CDR working first - but of course the Basic
Editon of Easy CD Creator 5.0 needs an XP patch,
and it takes me 3 attempts to get the damn thing
working. But the backup is successful and I have
all my data now safely on CD. I'm happy.
February 19: Installing all the apps and
devices again. The Microtek V310 flatbed scanner
balks at the driver, so there I go downloading yet
another driver, and it takes quite a bit of tugging
and prodding to get it all working. Same with the
Zip drive. And the Epson printer. But peace and
happiness with a computer can last only so long...
February 20: I buy a SCSI-USB cable for
the slide scanner, trying to circumvent having to
deal with the SCSI card and its driver again.
But what was I thinking?
The driver for the cable doesn't work, causing the
computer to give me that painful little yellow
exclamation mark in the Device Manager. Trouble-shooting reveals that my scanner is one of only a
few devices that is *not* compatible with the
cable. Of course. Did I really expect any different?
I do a disk clean-up, a defragment, and a full
system virus scan with Norton.
Then - a sudden blue screen of death: "***Hardware
Malfunction - Call your Hardware Vendor for Support -
NMI: Parity Check / Memory Parity Error - System
was halted***. I try not to have a nervous breakdown, pull the power cord, reboot, and everything
is back to normal. A freak thing, I tell myself.
2 hours later - it happens again.
Lovely.
The universe leans back and grins. And I'm
ready to take the sledgehammer to my computer,
pack up my things, and move to the Australian
outback, where I'll live off lizard tongues and mealy white
worms, and voluntarily rub two sticks together to make
a fire.
But - in a last stubborn attempt, I call Compaq Tech
Support. At least these guys *have* tech support,
and actually answer their phones. The gentleman
with the thick Indian accent instructs me to do a
System Restore, turning back the clock on
everything I've done to my computer in the last
24 hours. I realize I'm going to lose all the
painful work done on my device drivers, and choose
to only turn the clock back to earlier this
afternoon.
February 21: So far, so good. No blue screen
this morning. But my slide scanner is still not
working. Sigh. And I'm pretty sure I haven't been
admitted yet to the elevator that brings me back
up from Hell.
So I'm taking a week off. Going to Bend, Oregon,
to burrow myself face-first in a snowdrift
somewhere, and forget about SCSI adapters,
device drivers, and hardware failures.
There *IS* more to life after all - right?
February 5, 2002
"All writers are inhabited by three selves: a creator,
a critic, and a scribe. The first two are natural rivals
who spend much of the time contradicting each other's
dictates to the third.
I think of the creative self as a demon in a classical
Greek sense - a zealous rather than an evil spirit.
My demon is willful, unpredictable, and equally
capable of inspired and dreadful prose; it works best
when left alone. My critical self is an editor with a
mean perfectionist streak whose sole mission is to point
out the demon's weaknesses and sins. My scribe is a
drudge who deserves to be paid much more for putting up
with the other two." - From
Stet Again: Selections from the Editorial Eye
I guess it was the snarling critic in me who prevented
me from updating my blog for two whole weeks after my
return from Mexico. I had plans to write a lengthy account
of my Baja adventure, but somehow my perfectionist editor
wouldn't allow my scribe to put down what the demon dictated.
Instead, I endlessly read, mowed the lawn, or fed the
wild birds.
The distressing thing was that I had already written most
of the account, lying in a hammock in Baja. Upon my
return though, all those unconfined thoughts met the
merciless red pen of my editor. And so the story got
buried.
Only for now though. I've vowed to seize the next
mentally liberated moment, and recklessly blog the
story - for once it's out there, no ever so brutish
editor will be able to retract it.
In the meantime though, at least I can make it up to the
loyal reader by providing some ravishing
visuals from the trip - enjoy!
