November 8, 2004

So I've pondered this "divided nation" topic after Shrub's ("Bush" for the uninitated) recent reelection-win - and I think I've come up with a solution.

A divorce.

I mean, this nation is showing all the signs of an unhappy relationship: Democrats and Republicans have fundamental differences in values, they don't see eye-to-eye on hardly any topic, and are currently at a point, where reconcilliation seems unlikely.

So why not split the country in two?

The red states could have Shrub for president, and he could reign from his ranch in Texas, where he likes it better than D.C. anyway. The blue states could have Kerry as leader. He could live in the White House or in Boston somewhere, where he'd be among peers. All the Dems, currently living in the red states, would move to the blue states (West and East Coast), while Republicans would move to the red states (Midwest bible belt).

Everything would get split up evenly: the national budget, the military, social security etc. This would be fair, since the population is pretty much split 50/50 in their political orientation anyway.

Trade between the two new nations would be free and regulated by an agreement Kerry and Shrub would draw up. The Midwest would continue to produce grain and potatoes, while the West and East would trade their silicon chips and stocks for those goods.

And the terrorists? They would get so confused about who to attack now, they'd throw their hands up in the air, say "fuck it", and get back to blowing up their immediate neighbors again instead.

And this greatest of all social experiments would most surely yield something this country hasn't even dared to dream of: happiness for the ordinary citizen.

No more partisan bickering. No more political slander ads. No more signage wars on suburban lawns. No more fear of being exposed as a member of the Green Party.

The Dems would be free to exercise their right to smoke dope whenever and whereever. They would tax their citizens sensibly so that the new country will have fine schools, good roads, and the mom-and-pop stores would have a chance too. Their newly freed minds would come up with innovations previously discarded as "not profitable" by the large, republican-run corporations. Abortion would be legal and prevent women from unwanted pregnancies, leaving them happy and able to pursue healthy relationships and lives. The environment in the blue states would thrive and be clean and provide enjoyment for all.

And what would the Reps do? They would build more Walmarts. Smoking tobacco with filters would get outlawed. They would abolish all taxes, and their roads would go to shit, teachers would leave the schools in droves, and their national debt would increase day by day (guns are expensive). They would implement a law that you have to address all your fellow citizens with "God bless". They would repress and enslave the working class. They would make abortion a deadly sin, and execute women who dared to defy it. Shrub would crown himself king, and rule with tools of fear and terror over his people. He would drill for oil everywhere, cut down all the trees, and poison the water and air supply with unregulated emissions from his corporate campaign supporters. They would build huge churches everywhere and make their employees go there every day, brainwashing them into thinking that everything that happened to them was "God's will".

And what would the outcome be?

That's right: the red states would shrivel up and die, and the face of the earth would be cleansed of Republicans, just like Nature intended.

On The Bright Side: if you wanted to just say "Screw it all" and go live in a cave, this guy could help you set up a working camp.