2/17/2005: The Sunriver Police Log Diaries

Time to wipe away that winter depression - and turn your glazed eyes to a tiny local newspaper for an uplifting bout of hilarity - the Sunriver Police Log, published in the monthly Sunriver Scene.

For any non-local readers, it first must be explained that the town of Sunriver is a "Private Planned Community" resort, roughly 18 miles south of Bend, Central Oregon, consisting mostly of part-time occupied vacation homes, nestled amongst tall trees and grouped around a maze of tightly wound streets and round-abouts where cars share the roadway with golf-carts (only during daylight hours though).

The town has its own administration, fire and police force, but in essence they are all privately-run. With all this comes a stringent set of rules - such as what color you may paint your house (anything outside of dull browns and greens is taboo), no parking your car, boat, golfcart or snowmobile anywhere but in strictly designated areas (least of all in front of your own house), and of course NO MAYHEM ANYWHERE - AT ALL.

This is all designed to keep the town a place that's eerily placid, clean-looking, runs at the golf-senior speed of 25 mph - and most of all is completely devoid of any possible fun, involving loud parties with lots of booze, spinning donuts in your golf-cart at 2am in your vacation rental's driveway, or similar such activities. To this must also be added however that the tiny Sunriver Liquor Store is the top-selling non-exclusive liqour store in the great State of Oregon.

So what you have here in essence is a tranquil vacation town where people (including a lot of college kids) come to from all over the U.S. to pursue honorable and clean-fun activities such as golfing, skiing, snowboarding, snowmobiling, hunting and fishing - and to get totally liquored up and go fucking crazy.

This is very much in contrast to the carefully crafted image of hushed carefreeness the Sunriver Owners Association would like to project. But what do they do to preserve their status? They publish (in much detail) a log of the month's police activites in the local newspaper, available for free at every gas station and store in town.

So without further ado, here are selected excerpts from the February issue of the "Sunriver Scene", chronicling December activities (and if you can't see the hilarious irony in this, you need to get your head adjusted):

12/4: Occupants of a vehicle threw empty beer bottle out onto main road and were given a choice to either clean up the mess they made or face a criminal citation. They chose to clean it up. Officers stood by as traffic control while this occured.

12/4: Stopped vehicle for defective lighting. Consent search of vehicle revealed two drug pipes and an open container. Both occupants were cited for Possession of Less Than An Ounce of Marijuana. Driver was also cited for an Open Container.

12/6: Received several phone calls throughout the evening about snowballs being thrown at passing vehicles. Several attempts to locate suspects were unsuccessful.

12/10: Report of a cold theft (prescription drugs taken) from a vehicle.

12/13: Criminal Mischief to an illuminated Christmas angel was reported by a homeowner.

12/19: Reporting party called to complain about snowmobile trailers in a driveway. The homeowner stated he would stop by the police department in the morning to find out what was being done about it.

12/25: Responded to a report of two juveniles shooting air guns. A verbal warning was issued and compliance was gained.

12/27: Responded to a report of a driver spinning "cookies" in a parking lot. Contact was made with the driver, who agreed to discontinue current actions.

12/30: Responded to a Theft of a picnic table from a home owner's property. The table was located across the common area, in the backyard of a rental home. Three juveniles were contacted who admitted using the table as a snowboard ramp. They returned the table to the owner with an apology.

12/31: Received a complaint about noise and vehicles driving badly in the area. When officers arrived, there were several vehicles parked on the roadway. We made contact with the renters of the house and advised them of the regulations. Officers required they use sober drivers to move the vehicles.

12/31: Responded to a report of a verbal dispute between a male and two females who had given the male a ride home. The vehicle got stuck in the snow while backing out of the driveway. The females were upset because the male wouldn't help them. The disagreement escalated when the male began throwing snowballs at the females. It was determined that there was no crime, and a tow truck was contacted.

... and these are just excerpts. The list goes on and on. I'm already looking forward to next month's edition. Can't wait to read all the good stuff that happened January 1st.

PS: Thanks to Jake for the tip.